im just so sad . . . i never thought it would come to this. She's supossed to be here forever. She's held our family together for so long. I just can't imagine our workd without her. She's such a fighter and as surpassed so much in here life. Se has got to be the strongest person I have ever known. I know I would have never been able to handle the situations she has in her life. i need her, we need her!

I LoVe you GrAnDmA forever and always:)

how many hurdles does someone need to overcome before realizing it's not worth it anymore? how hard should one person have to try to make something work?

somethings should just be easy in life, why isnt this?
what happened to all the good things?

as each day goes on it just seems like its getting harder and harder to keep a hold of this and what we have. i really dont think it should be so hard. after everything we have overcome and gone through, we should be closer than anybody in this world, but i feel we are further apart from each other than the sun is to pluto. its all so crazy . . . what happened to the happiness, the love, the compasion . . . where did it all go? i just want everything to be like it was in the beginning, is that so much to ask for. i really do try, but it doesnt seem to be aknowledge like i would like it to be. to make things work it really needs to be two sided.

sometimes you really are as bad as the rest of them were. granted you have done more for me than any other person, but you are still guilty of being like "them". putting me down, not being supportive . . . ur just like them. you are supossed to be there no matter what and be on my side no matter what and sometimes i feel like your my biggest enemey. im not saying i havent done my share of being negative because i have, but i am making the effort to change, but when you shot fown time after time it gets a little hard to stay positive. i have been there through everything with you . . . when most would have dropped you on your ass i was still there by your side. when i felt like giving up and telling you i was done with everything i still stayed because i love you when you love someone you are there no matter what the situation. even when everyone around me told me i deserved better and i was worth more that what i was getting i still stuck up for you and stayed there for you. im always in your corner and i just want you to see that. im tired of the arguing i just want us to be happy again.

one day you will see it all hopefully i am still by your side to share that with you, but no matter what i will always love you, always

britt britt

I really am over all of this shit

People really don't understand any of what i have gone through to get where i am at in life right now. granted things could be better but that is with any person.

I have overcome so much shit to have what i do right now . . . i have a good job im going back to school . . . etc. Yet i am still being told i don't have my shit straight. It's funny how the people that are talking the shit really arent doing what they need to, to get their shit straight.

it's not that easy to just turn around and everything be put back in to place where it needs to be. things take time and effort and if you can't see that, then i don't know what to say. i'm sorry for the past, but i can't change that, all i can change is what is to come in my future and i thought you could understand that out of everyone.

it seems like i try and try and for what . . .

just when you think you can look up, it all tumbles right before you. where are those words of wisdom when you need them. if you could just tell me what to do to make it all better . . .

britt britt

i cant believe it's still this hard for me. exactly one month from today is one of the hardest days i have ever had to experience. i really am just waiting for it to get easier. i really miss him more than any one person will ever know. that was my best friend, my brother, my everything. i just want the day to come and go so i can forget about it. its just a day where you wish it would never come but it does and there is nothing you can do about it. i dont know thats all i can really say right now

Okay, I just need to vent.

So there is this person in the training class I am going through at work that just irritates me to the max! Have you ever been trying to learn something new and there's this one person that never shuts up and ask a million and one fucking questions that DO NOT pertain to what you are going over at the time?!?! Well, I have and I'm dealing with it now. I really just want to push this person down a flight a steps, that irritate me that bad!

I just had to get that out:)

I really don't know what to say . . .

People do some of the most off the wall things at the most off the wall times. And then there is no explanation as to why . . . I just don't get it. Some enlightenment would be nice right bout now.

I'm just so confused??

 I definitely had a long weekend, but a good one. 

Friday night Tommy took me to go see "Horton Hears a Hoo." It was such a cute & funny movie, EvErYoNe should  go see it. "In my world everyone would eat rainbows and poop butterflies," hehe:) That is like my favorite line of the whole movie. Tommy and also had a good night on Friday but for other reasons . . . "our little secret":)

Saturday I worked a little at the shop and then Tommy and I hung out at home because we were both very exhuasted. I like just coming home and relaxing sometimes.

Sunday of course was Easter. Unfortuately Tommy had to work so he didnt get to join in on the festivities at Andi's house. Andi cooked a wonderful dinner for all of us. After dinner i came home and fell asleep . . . it was very nice to catch up on the sleep I have been losing . . . my job is very exhausting:( Then Tommy got home and surprised me with my Easter gift . . . I LoVeD it:)

Today I worked all day on Mortgage Clauses . . . NO FUN! Then Tommy picked me up from work and we headed up to Woodbridge to go celebrate Katie's Birthday. She is fifteen . . . I feel so oLd:( We ate at Red Lobster . . . . mmmhhhhh BiScUiTs:) Then Tommy and I went shopping at the mall, he bought me some really cute clothes from Papaya. then we got Rita's . . . . . because there is definitely one in Potomac Mills NOW:) I LoVe Gelati's:) No more going to New Jersey for them:)

Well, that is pretty much the run down of my weekend. I am off to bed now:)

MyHotComments

I am so HaPpY right now. I bought a new laptop tonight, which was very exciting because I haven't had one since right after I graduated and that one got stolen, so it's nice to have another one. I get to go pick it up after work tomorrow . . . yEaH:)

*I really don't understand some people. They really are just dumb, hAhA:)*

This weekend is going to be so much fun . . . I just can't wait:)

Here recently I have i have been the happiest I have been in a very long time . . . but I am still overcome with sadness from time to time. I think about you EvErYdAy. There isn't a moment when I'm on 95 and just wish you were riding with me. Life is just so cRaZy in the choices it makes. I would really give anything to just tell you how much I miss you and wish you were still here  with me. Our fRiEnDsHip meant so much to me and although nO oNe can take that from me . . . I just wish I could tell you about my day at work, or how Tommy & I are doing so GrEaT, or sit and talk about all the insane things we have done together. It really truly saddens me to think you won't be in my wedding or there when I have a baby, it really isn't fair and I just don't understand it. I wish things had NeVeR turned out the way they did, but they did and I can't change that, just accept it and move on from it. One day though I will get to tell you about all those things, I just don't know when and that is the saddest part of it all. I just want you to know I will aLwAyS love you with every inch of my HeArT and that will NeVeR change no matter what.

britt britt

There have been so many things I have been thinking about, that I just want to get them out.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, think what could have happened, what should have happened, but things turned out a little different than what I ever expected to. I thought you were the one, I mean you probably would have been the one, if people hadn't influenced. I was talking to a dear friend of mine today about the whole situation.

I have grown so much since that sad day. I felt hatred and anger, but towards the wrong person. Who wants to hate the one they love for not making the "right" decision, no one does. So I blamed the easiest person possible, the "enemy". He took everything from me, my best & my love. But I have grown a bit since then, & now I can tell you that there was no "enemy". I can't blame that person because at the end of the day it wasn't that person that made the "wrong" decision. I tried & tried and there is no one that can say I didn't. But in the end I guess you don't know what you have until it's gone.

Just know, that I do think about you everyday and what could have been. But if it was meant to be then it will be. I will always love you because you were such a big part of my life, but I am extremely happy with where I am in my life and wouldn't trade the world for it. I am more in LoVe than I think I could ever be. You will aLwAyS be a part of me.

It's really funny how things in life change. The people you meet and think will always be there, aren't there. I guess thats just how the cookie crumbles as they say. People make the decisions that they make and the people around them just have to deal. Some decisions made are not the best ones and some situations could have been handled differently, but things happened the way they did and that can't be changed, just learned from. And I know I have learned more than I ever thought I would. No matter what happened, you are still thought about because you were such a big part of my life. And I will always wish you the best in any and everything you do. But the past can't be erased. Things are said when you are just frustrated and want to vent, that ordinarally would not have been said or meant for that person to hear, but there's nothing you can do about it, although they may hurt, what's done is done and it can't be taken back. But not everything is one sided in hurtful situations. I would not intentionally want to hurt someone, but if hurt happened then it happened and there's not much that can be done about it. You are still mentioned in my stories and that will never change. There is no hatred toward you, just a little disappointment, but I'm sure there are people out there that are disappointed in me. I never thought that someone would cross that thin line, but it happened and nothing can be done about it now. What's done is done and now we just look back and hopefully learn from.

 It's all just so CrAzY! I don't even know what to say about it all right now.

So this morning Tommy gets a call from one of his brothers, telling him that his brother Olvin had been . . . . killed. My heart just broke for Tommy. I don't even know that I would be able to grasp the concept if it had been me and one of my siblings. After talking to some people we  come to find out that Olvin died on Sunday Feb 24, 2008. He was found collapsed on the side of a highway in Florida, dead. He was shot in the head and killed instantly and over one of the stupidest things possible . . . drugs.
 
I don't know how to stress to so many people that life is worth living for and to not make poor desicions with your life. You only have one and although you should live it to it's fullest please make sure you are living wisely. 
 
Olvin went out of this world leaving behind a mother, a father, 2 brothers, 4 children, a nephew, and god only knows who else. If you are not going to make good desicions for your own self and life, please at least make them for the ones who love you more than life it self . . . . your FAMILY.

In the last 8 months i have lost my best friend and someone that might as well been family to me. It's not fair and it sucks. What sucks even more is that i don't even know what to do for Tommy. I know when my best friend died this summer, I did have two friends there to help me through it, but no matter what anyone said it didn't make it better. i just wish I had the words and the answers to make it better for Tommy, but I don't and I know I never will. This is such an empty feeling not being able to make it better, to make him better. I just wish death wasn't so hard.

Well, I'm off to bed, I just had to get it all out and thanks for anyone who took the time to read:)

britt britt

Wow! I must be bored because I probably just read EVERY entry I have ever put in here and all the comments that went along with them.

It's crazy to see how in only a couple of years a person's life can change so much. It was crazy to see all the hurt, pain, emptiness, happiness, laughter, sadness and everything else that led up to where I am now in life. Through everything, I wouldn't change anything, but I wish some of the outcomes had ended differently. But you take the good with the bad and deal with it because that's life.

I truly am happy where I am at in my life. I love my Boyfriend, my Friends, and my Family. I love the memories of those who are gone and will cherish them forever.

To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and to move on. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry and made you grow. It is about all you have, all that you had and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and to set yourself free.

 
I read this and immediately fell in love with the words.  There are so many things that have happened in my life that this applies to. Everything in it is the truth . . . it speaks for itself. After reading this, take what you may out of it, I took a lot out of it.

britt britt

 

Last night was the greatest:)

Last night was Jana's birthday celebration and it was so much fun. The night started with Jana & I just needing to get away from everyone, so we decided to go down to The Loft early for a drink and some food. That place is great:) I love it because it's a NiCe bar and it's more on the grown-up side. But anyways we sat down and got some food and drinks (some on the house because the owner is terrific), and Jana & I ran into some of her old friends that she hasn't seen in a minute. It was good she definitely needed it. We had a great time. Everyone else showed up around 10:30 and the band started playing. I have to say Evan Bliss & the Welchers are fucking awesome:) We all had a great time and we need to go out more often like that. We danced around, drank and had an overall wonderful time. There will be a million pictures on Myspace of our night, so you all can enjoy it, just as much as we did:)

britt britt